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KoL published on

This part of the book is written in language so Ancient, so Forbidden, so Unspeakable, and so Evil that you can’t make heads or tails of it.

Luckily, you’ve got your trusty English to Ancient Forbidden Unspeakable Evil dictionary, and you’re able to translate a little bit at a time.

You learn how to manipulate pure evil, and adapt it to your own particular method of spellcasting. Neat!

You gain a skill: Fearful Fettucini

You put the dictionary back on the shelf, for the next guy.

Using the skills taught to you by the Asian Vandalism Master of ??????????? Fu, Steve, you expertly dress ‘s with the flowing white sheets of your ancestors. This reminds you of a haiku:

Burning cherry tree
Ev’ry blossom is aflame
Uh, here come the cops.


Back at the dorm.

Back at the dorm. published on


I’ve been moving the stuff I did on the laptop over to the desktop. I found a .txt file called “ohcomeon.” This file contains the character description of someone who attacked me in that vampire game a while back:

Werewolf Jade Shadow Wendigo

Clad in black pants that fit around her curvaceous hips, broadened dramatically and were straight legged from the buttocks down. Her twenty hole docs were completely concealed within her longer than average, wide legged pants. Various chains were hanging off of hooks which were randomly placed on the pockets and sides. Neon teal thread outlined the excessively large pockets and other cloth dealy-bobs as well as the seams. A honey colored complexion gave her a rather exotic appearance. Youthful and athletic her body was muscularly toned to perfection. A rather voluptuous chest was being held up by a black leather garment that looked like half a corset. It was so tight, not only did it seem to be a second skin, but it left nothing to the imagination. Cut short just above the bottom of her rib cage, it showed her rather attractive torso. Golden eyes peered out behind lush lashes. Silken tresses flowed in raven waves around her frame, ending at the small of her back. Her hair was usually pulled back into a pony-tail or braided with the bangs free to frame her face. She wasn’t the tallest of creatures, standing at 5’5″.

She is kind of a Frankenstein’s monster of subtly clashing Mary Sue cliches.

She is “curvaceous” and “muscularly toned to perfection” at the same time! Her breasts are “voluptuous” on their own merits, but just for good measure they’re also “held up” by a garment that “not only seems to be a second skin, but leaves nothing to the imagination” – those are completely different ideas, there! Hence the “not only, but” sentence structure!

And her torso is “rather attractive,” I don’t know if we’d made that clear enough or not. She has “silken tresses” that can also do the “raven waves” thing, excellent. Oh, no, her skin is “honey colored” and her eyes are “golden,” that seems like a bit of an oversight.

I don’t know if you’re supposed to call this person “Jade” or “Shadow” or “Wendigo” – I’m just calling her Wendy. I hope Wendy doesn’t go at me with her torso or with a tress or something.

And I just realized, she’s clearly not a fucking werewolf.


Noooooo published on

One of my Kingdom of Loathing characters’ burritoes disappeared in the night. I haven’t broken my hippy stone or anything, this totally should not have happened.

…you know what would be a good thing for the game to do? If one or two of your burritoes, chow meins, and pizzas disappeared during rollover sometimes, and a randomly-selected character in the town somewhere was looking kind of shifty. That would be very KoL.

Also, I’d like it if you could use the Fermenting Powder on stuff other than grapes. Like, Goat’s Milk. You ought to be able to ferment it into Goat Cheese. I always have to spend a couple days at the Goatlet to get enough Goat Cheese, and I could totally cut it down to less than a day like that. You shouldn’t have to spend more than a day at the Goatlet, that’s just dumb.

Negaverse monsters drain energy

Negaverse monsters drain energy published on


I forgot to take a picture today. You don’t get one.

(I also forgot about the chalk and Buddhism, of course.)

I want to play Chrono Trigger all of a sudden today (this person’s fault), but I don’t own a copy. I got angry at it before because Toriyama was involved it in it and I hate the porn-sneers he gives people when they’re fighting, but now I feel like I wasted so much time on it I ought to finish it. Except I’d now have to waste all that time a second time, because my saved game is lost forever.

So I guess the moral is that life isn’t fair, even though there are video games in it.

Zzzt fizzle zot

Zzzt fizzle zot published on

My present class in Kingdom of Loathing is “Reindeer Threatener.” This gives me joy.

I misspelled Kingdom of Loathing in that sentence at first, it was like “loating.” I should write a competing game called “Kingdom of Boating” where everything is bad puns about boats, and have the Mr. Accessories – which will be called Captain Lord Accessories, because it will be about vampires in boats. Pirate vampires! – be $5 rather than $10. And you get 80 adventures a day instead of 40, and they won’t be adventures, they will be lurks. Because of vampires. And the Naughty Sorceress will be the Black Pearl. Everyone is always the Black Pearl.

The power randomly went off last night, unsettling the clock and making me late for work. Which was annoying, because I’d gone to bed really early and had no real biological need to sleep late for once.

War-ish, blood-related, and deathy.

War-ish, blood-related, and deathy. published on

Remember my post like twelve days ago where I abused a crappy MMO, and said I’d have another one to review later? Yeah.

First off, the game is called “Gothador.”

Go ahead, get it all out of your system.

The game is very serious about this. The programmers are not at all embarrassed by this name, and in fact seem feel that it lends a certain solemnity and gravitas to the gaming experience:

“As he begins the story you feel yourself drift off into a deep sleep. Thoughts of war, blood and death slip through your mind until you finally awaken.

This is Gothador; yet not.

Something terrible has happened here.”

Something terrible. Something… warlike, bloody, and death-intensive.

There actually was a semi-reason that I put off posting about Gothador (ah-hee-hee-hee it’s still funny) this long. This was that it took me two weeks to work through the tutorial sequence.

Or rather, technically, three days of that were spent getting to the tutorial sequence. But let us not nitpick.

Continue reading War-ish, blood-related, and deathy.

Cannon! Scaffolding! Bar? Asymptote? Cannon! Scaffolding!

Cannon! Scaffolding! Bar? Asymptote? Cannon! Scaffolding! published on

Things are being changed in Kingdom of Loathing and people are VERY VERY CONCERNED.

  • “They’re moving the cannon right next to Hangks to blow it up!! Hurry and get outta HC/ronnin before all you’re meat and or belongings are destroyed!”
  • “it wont be moved
    it shall disapear forever”
  • “WTF”
  • “The scaffolding in the Right Side of the Tracks is a NEW BUILDING!!!! Look closely and you can its doors.”
  • “The image name of the scaffolding is ohnoes1zomg.gif

    What’s that supposed to mean?!?!”

Some of them are ANGRY, even.

  • “woah this sucks. >_> I bet tomorow we’ll get 1/64 of a cannon. >:(“
  • “i swear. if its not gone tommorow… i mean its 1/32d of a cannon. you can just pick it up, put it in your pocket, and walk away with nobody noticing. just destroy it. it had it coming. its no use anymore. destroy it.”

Yet others, wiser, cut to the heart of the matter:

  • “I hope it’s moving and for a new place to adventure for a limited time so that the items you get become rare”

I’m feeling kind of regretful that I let my two alternate accounts get deleted – I got bored and looked up KoL on eBay last night, and I could’ve gotten like fifteen bucks for my rare items. It just seems wasteful.

BiteFight – Gardening… for Satan!

BiteFight – Gardening… for Satan! published on 4 Comments on BiteFight – Gardening… for Satan!

I need those guys from Ghost in the Shell who kill crows with really big fire extinguishers, or whatever it is they were doing. The cheery robins need to be taught a lesson. A lesson in CYBORG FANSERVICE. I mean. In PAIN.

Because KoL is not enough of a time sink to satisfy my lord Sal, God of Increasingly Absurd Finals Week Procrastination, a couple of days ago I started messing around with two other browser-based MMO’s. The difference between these games and KoL is that these games are bad. Today I’m going to review them because I’m grumpy and require an absurd, helpless target to abuse.

Summary – BiteFight is a badly-designed game with a mysterious gardening fetish.

Continue reading BiteFight – Gardening… for Satan!

This is important.

This is important. published on

When did people stop calling them Moogles and start calling them Mogs? Mog is the name of a character who is of the Moogle species. That’s how this works, people, get it right. You wouldn’t go calling a Wookie a Chewbacca, would you? Where’d this problem even come from? I know the stupid “Adventures in Mog Nutrition” thing in FFVII did it, but that game’s dialogue was just 100% Pure Typo to begin with, and I don’t think they even capitalized “Mog” consistently throughout that whole sequence anyway. People just should *not* have taken it seriously.

And anyway, there’s also a Mog summons, and aside from Knights of the Round, all the other summonses refer to a single entity – as indicated by Cloud’s apparent use of “Bahamut” as a name in the sequence where you get Bahamut ZERO. Therefore, Mog = a dude. Mog != a race of squinty winged teddy-bear creatures.

I mean *geez*, internet, get your act together.