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Non-conversations with Jenan.

Non-conversations with Jenan. published on

[19:30] Jenan is offline.
[19:31] Snarp: Going to get food; be back on in a minute.
[19:31] Second Life: User not online – message will be stored and delivered later.
[19:35] Snarp: Back.
[19:35] Second Life: User not online – message will be stored and delivered later.
[19:36] Snarp: I’m just going to say random facts at your IM, okay?
[19:36] Second Life: User not online – message will be stored and delivered later.
[19:36] Snarp: Pumpkin pie should be cooked at a high temperature for the first few minutes to set it, then turned about 50 degrees lower.
[19:36] Second Life: User not online – message will be stored and delivered later.
[19:37] Snarp: Waterproofing shoes when you first get them is always a good idea.
[19:37] Second Life: User not online – message will be stored and delivered later.
[19:38] Snarp: Large breeds of dogs shouldn’t be fed puppy food as puppies; it’s too high in fat for them, and will make them put on weight too quickly, damaging their bone density.
[19:38] Second Life: User not online – message will be stored and delivered later.
[19:40] Snarp: Trust not in the promises of elvenkind.
[19:40] Second Life: User not online – message will be stored and delivered later.
[19:45] Snarp: And unattended space heaters are one of the leading causes of house fires.
[19:45] Second Life: User not online – message will be stored and delivered later.
[19:45] Snarp: Okay, I need to get off now because I’m all Benadryled up and falling asleep. SEND ME BEE PHOTOS.
[19:45] Second Life: User not online – message will be stored and delivered later.

(Context: Jenan is always late getting on Second Life, and I’m all Benadryled up.)

Conversations with Dad.

Conversations with Dad. published on

Dad: So you need to email your sister and ask her if she wants to come with us when we go down to Nashville – tell her she has to drive down and meet us, it’ll be Friday the 13th – is that right? We’ll be leaving on the 13th?

Me: Do you want your youngest daughter driving all by herself on Friday the 13th!? You’re a terrible father!

Dad: I don’t know, maybe not… I’m going to have to think about this now…

Interviewer on TV: [name], who is running for [office], says he’s not a politician, he’s just a concerned citizen who –

Me: *mutes the TV*

Dad: Sarah! Don’t mute this guy! He’s a concerned citizen! He’s running for office, he’s got the IQ of a small bird – he’s a great American!

Me: *repeatedly mutes commercials*

Dad: *repeatedly unmutes them* You’re as bad as your grandmother! She muted commercials and black people.

Dad didn’t have swine flu.

Dad didn’t have swine flu. published on

Shortly after I made this post theorizing that Dad might have caught swine flu at a legal conference, Papaw got a call from Uncle Tall. Uncle Tall told him that two people had died of swine flu in the town where the legal conference had been.

Languishing pathetically in bed, Dad told me, “Now, when I die of swine flu, you’re going to have to go to law school and take over my firm, so there’ll still be a Pin in “Pin, Fork and Spoon Law Offices.””

Me: “You’re not going to die, you’re not even in a high-risk group. And I’m not going to law school. And it would be “Fork, Spoon and Pin,” because I wouldn’t be the senior partner.”

Dad frowned.

Some time later, he called me back into the sickroom. “Sarah! When I die, they don’t have to change the name. A lot of firms leave the name of a dead attorney in there. I can still be in there even when I die.”

“You’re not going to die, Dad -”

“So it’ll be Pin, Fork, Spoon, and Pin. Except you need to fire Fork, because he’s pissing me off, so it’ll just be Pin, Spoon and Pin.”

“I’m not going to law school, and I can’t fire Fork. He’d have seniority over me. And that’s not how law firms work anyway.”

Dad frowned again. But he could not come up with any way out of this quandary. He had the same conversation again later when thegeekgene called.

But he got better within two days, so, probably not swine flu.

Cruelty to dads

Cruelty to dads published on

via the Gmail chat box.

me: HI DAD

(47 minutes later)

Dad: what is this?
me: It is an instant messenger, Dad.
me: And you just logged off of Gmail, so you can no longer receive my messages.

(11 minutes later)

Dad: are you ok/ the fact that you are instant messaging is that a crisis?

(I just discovered I have tag called “dear don’t blog that your father reads this” and I have no recollection of creating it. It’s never been used before. I guess Mom must have been involved.)

Dad may not have another cat.

Dad may not have another cat. published on

Me: We need to take the cat to the shelter fast. Dad’s named it.

Mom: Oh, no. What did he name it?

Me: Corbin.

Mom: (sighs)


Dad, in a sad little voice: We’re keeping him.

Mom: You are incorrect.

Dad: He has a name, his name is Corbin –

Mom: No –

Dad: – he’s very fuzzy and he likes to have his belly rubbed. Here, listen (attempts to push cat on Mom) – listen to his motor, he’s purring really loud –

Mom: We can have that cat if you get rid of two of the others.

Dad:(to the cat) The Wicked Witch of the West! She’s the Witch, isn’t she, isn’t she, Corbin.

People dump animals near our house a lot. Possibly it’s because they know about Dad.

My parents.

My parents. published on

DAD: See, the thing about this place is, they always mess up my order here! They always mess it up! So I want you to order for me, in Spanish, and see if that –

PAM (WHO IS MEXICIAN-AMERICAN): Okay, what do you want?

DAD: Aqui, aqui – I want aqui – this burrito, aqui burrito – but I want it with meat and cheese only

PAM’S SON: See, this is his problem, he goes, “I want a burrito with just meat and cheese” –

PAM: You can’t do that.

DAD: Why can’t I do that?! It’s what I want! I make your son here order for me, and he just doesn’t help. I don’t want all this – vegetables and stuff – no rice – nada rice – nada rice-o, nada guacamole-o, nada

ME: Dad, I will absolutely kill you.

DAD:nada beans-o – no, why not?

PAM’S SON: Because that’s not a burrito! That’s not what a burrito is!

ME: That’s like saying you want a BLT with nothing but bacon.

PAM, WITH AN EXPRESSION OF INCALCULABLE DISGUST: No, it’s like saying you want a BLT with nothing but lettuce.

DAD: I just want a burrito with just meat and cheese. Nothing else, nada. Oh, here he is – order-o por favor! Uno burrito nada! Uno beer-o? Tu tienes mucho dinero!*


WAITER: *looks patiently at Pam’s son, clearly completely used to this*

MOM: Aw, don’t chew on the shoelaces, Gandalf! *politely takes the shoe from the dog and places it slightly out of reach*

ME: You know, you should probably like whap him, so he understands it’s wrong.

MOM, WITH GREAT INDIGNATION: I’m not going to whap him!

* I have no idea in what context Dad acquired this phrase, but it’s his Official Spanish Sentence, which he brings out whenever the Spanish language is discussed.


Bullying published on

Sakana-sensei: – well, saying that you “have no eye” for something does mean that you love it, but you use it to say you love things of a certain type, whether they’re good or bad or expensive or whatever. Like, you could say, “I have no eye for food,” if you like eating and don’t care what. So SuperShadow can’t just say, “I have no eye for YamaPi.” He’s just one person –

Screech-san: What if you cloned him –

Sakana-sensei: No.

Kimiho-san: No, wait, wait – couldn’t you say it and mean “I love YamaPi no matter what, even if he does something bad?”

SuperShadow: He wouldn’t do anything bad.

Sakana-sensei: Ohhh, sort of, “Even if YamaPi lost his voice, even if he got married tomorrow, even if he killed someone -”

SuperShadow: No!

Possibly Me: “Even if he ate a baby.”

SuperShadow: No! He wouldn’t do that! He wouldn’t!

Sakana-sensei: Eh. No, you can’t use it that way.

On cultural norms

On cultural norms published on

Daigakusei-sensei got distracted toward the end of class today.

Daigakusei-sensei: I think, if I went to live in another country, I wouldn’t want to go to one that was dangerous… more dangerous than Japan, I mean…

The Pierced American: Don’t go to the US!

Me: Well, but Sensei, I think that only leaves Switzerland…

Daigakusei-sensei: Really?

Fuzzy-san: Yeah, I think so.

Screech-san: But I think maybe Japan is getting dangerous! I saw on the news that someone was murdered in Toyota recently –

Daigakusei-sensei: Really?!

Screech-san: Yeah! But – see – there’d been a bag tied around the person’s head, but it was gone when the police found the body? But they found the bag in Okazaki! So they think the murderer lives in Okazaki!

Daigakusei-sensei: Oh, no… Japan really is getting dangerous!

Me: *head explodes*

Daigakusei-sensei: Aie! *reproachfully* Hime-sama*, you scared me, screaming like that! – oh, it’s time for lunch! Bye, everyone!

Me, in English: There might be one murderer somewhere in Okazaki! One!

The Pierced American: Yeah, it’s pretty weird when you realize stuff like that…

The Bicycling American: You know, I’ve never felt unsafe in Japan, but when I go back to the US right now, I get so paranoid. I start crossing the street when I see a group of people just, you know, hanging out – I mean, any of them could have a gun!

Fuzzy-san: *worried* So in the United States, do you really see, you know, gang violence in the streets all the time?

It’s too hot, so I went and bought some men’s boxer shorts to wear for pajamas. It’s occurred to me that, though there are always girls hanging around the mall and train station wearing cut-off jean shorts that cover up much less than the boxers, I would definitely get arrested if I went out in the boxers. Because though the jean shorts cover up less than the boxers, they’re still jean shorts, and therefore coded as outerwear. Whereas the boxers are coded as underwear, and are thus obscene. What’s the sociological term for this phenomenon?

Incidentally, I wear a men’s XL in Japanese sizes. That’s an American women’s 14-to-16. I still have no idea what I would be in Japanese women’s sizes, as I have yet to find a store that carries women’s garments in sizes above XL.

* Yes, people are still calling me “Hime-sama.”

Best Manga Plot Synopsis Ever

Best Manga Plot Synopsis Ever published on 8 Comments on Best Manga Plot Synopsis Ever

“The four vast duke houses Bezarius family’s next term owner, Oz Bezarius, a 15 year old who is being thrown into an abyss of darkness prison because of sins his body know not of when he was at the coming-of-age ceremony. Oz met the black rabbit(B-rabbit)which is stained by blood, which called upon the chain Alice, will the exchanging of contract help him escape the abyss successfully?”

Peanut-Butter Monkey Pandora Hearts

I am determined to read this.

Inappropriate Verbiage

Inappropriate Verbiage published on

My Supervisor: That call a minute ago, was that a life or death thing?

Me: Death, actually. Mr. M – he’s, like, on the board? – he died last night.

Me: – That thing I just said was completely not funny…

My Supervisor: Oh, you mean he was on the board!

My Supervisor: Oh, dear, that wasn’t funny either, was it.

Me: So I thought Achewood made up a word – because it does a lot, it made up some pretty convincing words about witches the other day – but then I googled it, and it turned out they did not make up a word. Want to know what the word is?

Mom: Okay.

Me: “Merkin.” It’s a pubic hair wig prostitutes wore when they had to shave to get rid of lice. It’s, like, a real actual thing that existed!

Mom: Yeah, I’ve heard of those…

Me: So there was a time period when guys were not afraid of pubic hair! They actually found it attractive enough that prostitutes bought little wigs, and I – Mom! This is an important discovery!

Big News! Big News!

Big News! Big News! published on

Dad: Big news, girls, big news!

thegeekgene: What.

Dad: We were out on the boat with Woofy – no, no, this is important girls – we were out on the boat with Woofy, and she did a very bad thing. Ohhh, she did such a bad thing, girls. She jumped off the boat, on to someone else’s boat, took a rawhide that was there, and jumped back! *deeply pitiful voice* She’s a thief! I’ve raised her wrong, I’ve been a bad father!


thegeekgene: So did you make any attempt to deter Woofy from this action?

Dad: What?

thegeekgene: Did you… punish her?

Dad: *deeply pitiful voice* No! I encouraged her! I told her to look for cash next time!


ARRRRGH published on

thegeekgene: Dad bought a minivan, you know.

Me: What – no, he didn’t.

elongated_tito: He did. It’s red.

Me: Mommmm!

Mom: I know –

Me: Weren’t we, as of, like, less than twenty-four hours ago, buying a used Corolla and renting a minivan for a couple days?!

Mom: I don’t – I don’t want to talk about – I am irrational about this! I don’t want to talk about it!

Back at school.

Back at school. published on

A conversation yesterday:

*heard outside the door*

thegeekgene: …Mom? Does chocolate go bad?

Mom: What do you have, sweetie?… how old is that?

thegeekgene: …London.


thegeekgene: Hey, snarp! I have a present for you!

Me: Did you just say, “Does chocolate go bad?” and then “…London”?

thegeekgene: No, no, I got it for you! Mom says it’s okay!


Me: *opens door*

thegeekgene: It’s Henry the Eighth and his wives – in chocolate!

Henry VIII and his wives... IN CHOCOLATE.

(I think she was in London in… April? I don’t even remember.)