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Pretend internet money and brilliant applications of programming knowledge

Pretend internet money and brilliant applications of programming knowledge published on

I’ve just done some Kingdom of Loathing math. Theoretically, if I were to liquefy all my items, I would have 380,597,379 meat. A Mr. Accessory, which presently has a market value of about 4,500,000 meat, costs $10.

So, I have about $840 in video game assets, if there was any way to cash them in.

(A lot of that’s in the form of Items-of-the-Month – the only things I’m missing since June ’06 are the Travoltan trousers and the yuletide troll chrysalis.)

My main meat-bot script is actually pretty short – it’s only 670 lines, though it spans eight files. Because I use good practice and keep my MMO bots highly modular, you see. I also have about fifteen other, secondary bot-scripts for use in specialized situations, though several of them I think I’ve only ever used once.

Why I Have Pretty Much Stopped Playing Pokemon (Though I Still Read The Manga?)

Why I Have Pretty Much Stopped Playing Pokemon (Though I Still Read The Manga?) published on

I captured my Dialga which was a really nice feeling of accomplishment. I decided to try taking my new an improved crew online via Battle Revolution to see if the addition of an ancient dragon with the power to warp space and time would give me the edge I needed to win. Turns out no.

Mister Gabriel

Well, among other reasons. (Seriously, given how hard it is to catch some of them (LATIAS), the Legendary Pokemon aren’t always that -ing great. My Espeon always got more use than my Lugia.)

And in Kingdom of Loathing-related news, I don’t like a lot of the writing for NS13 – some if it wanders perilously close to serious, and there’s all sorts of stuff that’s much wordier than it needs to be, particularly during the Holy MacGuffin quest. (I’m also annoyed that the battle queue changes broke KoLMafia, but I can’t exactly blame other people for my botting addiction.) And there are still lots of places that are either buggy or just really user-unfriendly. I’m particularly annoyed with all the heavily-nested island maps where you click a place you can’t get to yet, get taken to a “No-no” screen, and aren’t given a link back to the last part of the map you were looking at. No! Incorrect!

…and the Black Forest is problematic.

Oh, and I clicked wrong buying the paint and accidentally bought a second exotic parrot egg. It should not be possible to do that. That’s just vicious.


KoL published on

This part of the book is written in language so Ancient, so Forbidden, so Unspeakable, and so Evil that you can’t make heads or tails of it.

Luckily, you’ve got your trusty English to Ancient Forbidden Unspeakable Evil dictionary, and you’re able to translate a little bit at a time.

You learn how to manipulate pure evil, and adapt it to your own particular method of spellcasting. Neat!

You gain a skill: Fearful Fettucini

You put the dictionary back on the shelf, for the next guy.

Using the skills taught to you by the Asian Vandalism Master of ??????????? Fu, Steve, you expertly dress ‘s with the flowing white sheets of your ancestors. This reminds you of a haiku:

Burning cherry tree
Ev’ry blossom is aflame
Uh, here come the cops.



Noooooo published on

One of my Kingdom of Loathing characters’ burritoes disappeared in the night. I haven’t broken my hippy stone or anything, this totally should not have happened.

…you know what would be a good thing for the game to do? If one or two of your burritoes, chow meins, and pizzas disappeared during rollover sometimes, and a randomly-selected character in the town somewhere was looking kind of shifty. That would be very KoL.

Also, I’d like it if you could use the Fermenting Powder on stuff other than grapes. Like, Goat’s Milk. You ought to be able to ferment it into Goat Cheese. I always have to spend a couple days at the Goatlet to get enough Goat Cheese, and I could totally cut it down to less than a day like that. You shouldn’t have to spend more than a day at the Goatlet, that’s just dumb.

It rained again. REALLY HARD.

It rained again. REALLY HARD. published on

But I went on my walk ANYWAY.


Things that got all wet due to general stupidity:

* my avocado

* my pants

* my cell phone (it’s fine)

* my brand-new Fruits Basket 13 (it’s not fine. Damnit.)

My back’s been bothering me for about a week, but today it’s been hurting nonstop, so I’m all cranky. Lying down hurts.

Important KoL quote:

As you wander through your mediocre trip, you hear music coming from the room next to you. Suddenly, you can see the music — it’s, like, floating through the air in front of you. And it looks pissed.

You get the jump on it. You hit for 98 damage.

I’ve been trying to write a very important post about the latest volume of Battle Angel Alita: Last Order and my feelings about Kishiro’s new gaiden project and how I think Kishiro is very worried about race, but the only way he knows to deal with it is the way he deals with everything else that worries him (religion, Nikola Tesla, the space program, terrorism, psychiatry, female sexuality), that being burning things.

(the stuff he does with female sexuality is really weird)

Which is kind of interesting to see, because there isn’t much manga that even thinks about it – but then, it’s impossible to tell what he’s trying to say. I’ve got no idea what it means that the queen of the German planet, with its rebel group called “Neo-Third Reich,” has a black woman for a bodyguard. Nor can I explain the fact that the spoiled, largely-brainwashed, obviously-intended-to-be-the-US society is divided into two floating cities on opposite ends of a pole, one of which is all black and one of which is all white. But I’m pretty sure Kishiro thinks it means something.

I think UltraJump keeps psychiatrists on call 24/7 to make sure its artists get their stuff in on time.

Zzzt fizzle zot

Zzzt fizzle zot published on

My present class in Kingdom of Loathing is “Reindeer Threatener.” This gives me joy.

I misspelled Kingdom of Loathing in that sentence at first, it was like “loating.” I should write a competing game called “Kingdom of Boating” where everything is bad puns about boats, and have the Mr. Accessories – which will be called Captain Lord Accessories, because it will be about vampires in boats. Pirate vampires! – be $5 rather than $10. And you get 80 adventures a day instead of 40, and they won’t be adventures, they will be lurks. Because of vampires. And the Naughty Sorceress will be the Black Pearl. Everyone is always the Black Pearl.

The power randomly went off last night, unsettling the clock and making me late for work. Which was annoying, because I’d gone to bed really early and had no real biological need to sleep late for once.

War-ish, blood-related, and deathy.

War-ish, blood-related, and deathy. published on

Remember my post like twelve days ago where I abused a crappy MMO, and said I’d have another one to review later? Yeah.

First off, the game is called “Gothador.”

Go ahead, get it all out of your system.

The game is very serious about this. The programmers are not at all embarrassed by this name, and in fact seem feel that it lends a certain solemnity and gravitas to the gaming experience:

“As he begins the story you feel yourself drift off into a deep sleep. Thoughts of war, blood and death slip through your mind until you finally awaken.

This is Gothador; yet not.

Something terrible has happened here.”

Something terrible. Something… warlike, bloody, and death-intensive.

There actually was a semi-reason that I put off posting about Gothador (ah-hee-hee-hee it’s still funny) this long. This was that it took me two weeks to work through the tutorial sequence.

Or rather, technically, three days of that were spent getting to the tutorial sequence. But let us not nitpick.

Continue reading War-ish, blood-related, and deathy.

Cannon! Scaffolding! Bar? Asymptote? Cannon! Scaffolding!

Cannon! Scaffolding! Bar? Asymptote? Cannon! Scaffolding! published on

Things are being changed in Kingdom of Loathing and people are VERY VERY CONCERNED.

  • “They’re moving the cannon right next to Hangks to blow it up!! Hurry and get outta HC/ronnin before all you’re meat and or belongings are destroyed!”
  • “it wont be moved
    it shall disapear forever”
  • “WTF”
  • “The scaffolding in the Right Side of the Tracks is a NEW BUILDING!!!! Look closely and you can its doors.”
  • “The image name of the scaffolding is ohnoes1zomg.gif

    What’s that supposed to mean?!?!”

Some of them are ANGRY, even.

  • “woah this sucks. >_> I bet tomorow we’ll get 1/64 of a cannon. >:(“
  • “i swear. if its not gone tommorow… i mean its 1/32d of a cannon. you can just pick it up, put it in your pocket, and walk away with nobody noticing. just destroy it. it had it coming. its no use anymore. destroy it.”

Yet others, wiser, cut to the heart of the matter:

  • “I hope it’s moving and for a new place to adventure for a limited time so that the items you get become rare”

I’m feeling kind of regretful that I let my two alternate accounts get deleted – I got bored and looked up KoL on eBay last night, and I could’ve gotten like fifteen bucks for my rare items. It just seems wasteful.

BiteFight – Gardening… for Satan!

BiteFight – Gardening… for Satan! published on 4 Comments on BiteFight – Gardening… for Satan!

I need those guys from Ghost in the Shell who kill crows with really big fire extinguishers, or whatever it is they were doing. The cheery robins need to be taught a lesson. A lesson in CYBORG FANSERVICE. I mean. In PAIN.

Because KoL is not enough of a time sink to satisfy my lord Sal, God of Increasingly Absurd Finals Week Procrastination, a couple of days ago I started messing around with two other browser-based MMO’s. The difference between these games and KoL is that these games are bad. Today I’m going to review them because I’m grumpy and require an absurd, helpless target to abuse.

Summary – BiteFight is a badly-designed game with a mysterious gardening fetish.

Continue reading BiteFight – Gardening… for Satan!


Wah. published on

I have no idea why I am awake.

In preparation for this most holy of days, I yesterday placed these all over the dining halls. Two of the dining halls. I didn’t feel like walking over to the third one, I don’t believe in putting that much effort into my pranks. (I tried to come up with one make fun of the anti-porn speaker they’re having Monday, but couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t get me in trouble.)

Argh, in KOL the Spectral Pickle Factory appeared today, but I didn’t notice until I’d already used all my turns up in the Thugnderdome. It also took me about five minutes to realize that *maybe* the main page had disappeared because of, you know, what *day* it is. I really shouldn’t be awake.

There is something wrong with me.

There is something wrong with me. published on

Ulf Gunnarson, the 20-pound Blood-Faced Volleyball (1337 kills)

I swear I didn’t do this on purpose. I swear. I mean, seriously, my life is worth *nothing* if I deliberately, and with malice aforethought, got my familiar up to 1337 kills, so I could take a screenshot for my Livejournal. I just looked at my profile, and Ulf was 1337. It just *happened*. May stuff strike me down if I lie, here.

Ulf Gunnarson is actually the *only* one of my familiars I named after a fictional character. I’m not sure what happened to stuff like naming each of my Pokemon after a different Anne McCaffrey dragon, and calling Gary “Toric” and all. Maybe I’m just getting old.