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Conversations with Dad.

Conversations with Dad. published on

Dad: So you need to email your sister and ask her if she wants to come with us when we go down to Nashville – tell her she has to drive down and meet us, it’ll be Friday the 13th – is that right? We’ll be leaving on the 13th?

Me: Do you want your youngest daughter driving all by herself on Friday the 13th!? You’re a terrible father!

Dad: I don’t know, maybe not… I’m going to have to think about this now…

Interviewer on TV: [name], who is running for [office], says he’s not a politician, he’s just a concerned citizen who –

Me: *mutes the TV*

Dad: Sarah! Don’t mute this guy! He’s a concerned citizen! He’s running for office, he’s got the IQ of a small bird – he’s a great American!

Me: *repeatedly mutes commercials*

Dad: *repeatedly unmutes them* You’re as bad as your grandmother! She muted commercials and black people.

Dad didn’t have swine flu.

Dad didn’t have swine flu. published on

Shortly after I made this post theorizing that Dad might have caught swine flu at a legal conference, Papaw got a call from Uncle Tall. Uncle Tall told him that two people had died of swine flu in the town where the legal conference had been.

Languishing pathetically in bed, Dad told me, “Now, when I die of swine flu, you’re going to have to go to law school and take over my firm, so there’ll still be a Pin in “Pin, Fork and Spoon Law Offices.””

Me: “You’re not going to die, you’re not even in a high-risk group. And I’m not going to law school. And it would be “Fork, Spoon and Pin,” because I wouldn’t be the senior partner.”

Dad frowned.

Some time later, he called me back into the sickroom. “Sarah! When I die, they don’t have to change the name. A lot of firms leave the name of a dead attorney in there. I can still be in there even when I die.”

“You’re not going to die, Dad -”

“So it’ll be Pin, Fork, Spoon, and Pin. Except you need to fire Fork, because he’s pissing me off, so it’ll just be Pin, Spoon and Pin.”

“I’m not going to law school, and I can’t fire Fork. He’d have seniority over me. And that’s not how law firms work anyway.”

Dad frowned again. But he could not come up with any way out of this quandary. He had the same conversation again later when thegeekgene called.

But he got better within two days, so, probably not swine flu.

Cruelty to dads

Cruelty to dads published on

via the Gmail chat box.

me: HI DAD

(47 minutes later)

Dad: what is this?
me: It is an instant messenger, Dad.
me: And you just logged off of Gmail, so you can no longer receive my messages.

(11 minutes later)

Dad: are you ok/ the fact that you are instant messaging is that a crisis?

(I just discovered I have tag called “dear don’t blog that your father reads this” and I have no recollection of creating it. It’s never been used before. I guess Mom must have been involved.)

Dad may not have another cat.

Dad may not have another cat. published on

Me: We need to take the cat to the shelter fast. Dad’s named it.

Mom: Oh, no. What did he name it?

Me: Corbin.

Mom: (sighs)


Dad, in a sad little voice: We’re keeping him.

Mom: You are incorrect.

Dad: He has a name, his name is Corbin –

Mom: No –

Dad: – he’s very fuzzy and he likes to have his belly rubbed. Here, listen (attempts to push cat on Mom) – listen to his motor, he’s purring really loud –

Mom: We can have that cat if you get rid of two of the others.

Dad:(to the cat) The Wicked Witch of the West! She’s the Witch, isn’t she, isn’t she, Corbin.

People dump animals near our house a lot. Possibly it’s because they know about Dad.

My parents.

My parents. published on

DAD: See, the thing about this place is, they always mess up my order here! They always mess it up! So I want you to order for me, in Spanish, and see if that –

PAM (WHO IS MEXICIAN-AMERICAN): Okay, what do you want?

DAD: Aqui, aqui – I want aqui – this burrito, aqui burrito – but I want it with meat and cheese only

PAM’S SON: See, this is his problem, he goes, “I want a burrito with just meat and cheese” –

PAM: You can’t do that.

DAD: Why can’t I do that?! It’s what I want! I make your son here order for me, and he just doesn’t help. I don’t want all this – vegetables and stuff – no rice – nada rice – nada rice-o, nada guacamole-o, nada

ME: Dad, I will absolutely kill you.

DAD:nada beans-o – no, why not?

PAM’S SON: Because that’s not a burrito! That’s not what a burrito is!

ME: That’s like saying you want a BLT with nothing but bacon.

PAM, WITH AN EXPRESSION OF INCALCULABLE DISGUST: No, it’s like saying you want a BLT with nothing but lettuce.

DAD: I just want a burrito with just meat and cheese. Nothing else, nada. Oh, here he is – order-o por favor! Uno burrito nada! Uno beer-o? Tu tienes mucho dinero!*


WAITER: *looks patiently at Pam’s son, clearly completely used to this*

MOM: Aw, don’t chew on the shoelaces, Gandalf! *politely takes the shoe from the dog and places it slightly out of reach*

ME: You know, you should probably like whap him, so he understands it’s wrong.

MOM, WITH GREAT INDIGNATION: I’m not going to whap him!

* I have no idea in what context Dad acquired this phrase, but it’s his Official Spanish Sentence, which he brings out whenever the Spanish language is discussed.

Big News! Big News!

Big News! Big News! published on

Dad: Big news, girls, big news!

thegeekgene: What.

Dad: We were out on the boat with Woofy – no, no, this is important girls – we were out on the boat with Woofy, and she did a very bad thing. Ohhh, she did such a bad thing, girls. She jumped off the boat, on to someone else’s boat, took a rawhide that was there, and jumped back! *deeply pitiful voice* She’s a thief! I’ve raised her wrong, I’ve been a bad father!


thegeekgene: So did you make any attempt to deter Woofy from this action?

Dad: What?

thegeekgene: Did you… punish her?

Dad: *deeply pitiful voice* No! I encouraged her! I told her to look for cash next time!