Dec 25 2005

HER GOGGLES affronted the EVIL PATRIARCHY

Amazon’s improbable phrases in A College of Magics:

“his valise”

“her goggles”

I can almost deal with the valise. I mean, I’m not even sure what one looks like, and anyway “Valise” sounds like the name of the mean girl in some kind of equiphilic YA novel. I don’t know why *women* ever have valises, valises are probably all jerks anyway. I can understand guys not wanting anything to do with the stupid things.

But why don’t women ever get any fucking goggles? What is the *deal*, here, people?! That is just completely out-of-line. Anyone who’s writing or editing a book right now, you’re going to have to slap some feminine goggles in there. Yes, I *am* talking to you, too, Eve Ensler, stop pretending you can’t hear me over your namby-pamby fucking tribal vulva-music. You’re going to *find* a woman who’s wearing goggles, and you’re going to interview her about fucking *something*, or you’re just not welcome on my campus anymore.

And I don’t know how this suddenly turned all hostile towards Eve Ensler. I’m sorry. I mean, I don’t know why anyone would think to go at Eve Ensler like that, it just doesn’t make sense. I don’t even know what the hell I mean by “tribal vulva-music.” If something like that does exist, that’s actually really pretty awesome, and I should appreciate it if you would direct me to a torrent. I mean, Ensler’s still not exempt from the goggles initiative or anything, but yeah, that was pretty random. It’s like hers was just the first name to pop into my head while I had an upset stomach or something.

…okay, right, do we all feel like we’re on track on the goggles thing? No questions? What does this dog want? Go outside! I’ll hiccup really painfully violently at you!