Feb 02 2010

Mona Lisa Awakening, by Sunny

I just read this book.

And you guys.

It is Anne Bishop fanfic. Unequivocally! Terms and social structures are duplicated!

Lisa is a nurse at a New York hospital who has magic diagnostic powers – she only needs to touch a patient to know what is wrong with him/her! Obviously we must first see her doing this to a cute child. But within two pages, a man checks into her ward and immediately uses his magical powers to “touch her like a lover’s invisible fingers, stirring foreign urges and feelings within her that she had never felt before!” He’s bleeding all over the place at the time, but it’s cool – one of those feelings within her is bloodlust.

His name is Gryphon (excellent.) and he is on the run from the evil Mona Sera, his Queen, whom he serves because it is the natural order of things for men to serve the women who are born with the magical powers that make them Queens. If you are descended from the moon people, which he is. Turns out, Lisa is three-quarters moon person herself! In fact, she is the very first half-breed Queen ever! And could she also be… the most powerful Queen ever?! (Obviously yes.) Gryphon vows to serve her, and she vows to fix his evil-rape-y society – if they can find a cure for the poison that will kill him within 30 days!

Please assume that I got all these exclamation points directly from the book.

Continue reading “Mona Lisa Awakening, by Sunny”


Sep 29 2009

Heir to the Shadows, Anne Bishop

I’M READING ANNE BISHOP AGAIN apparently I suffer from masochistic tendencies.

So I’m about 3/4 through this book. And there’s this guy Lucivar, and he’s explaining evil magical roofies to his zombie-vampire father, Saetan SaDiablo, the High Lord of Hell. And this is the third time he’s talked about the evil magical roofies, and Saetan SaDiablo is shocked by the cruelty of mortals and has to sit down on his dark throne, and Saetan SaDiablo has been shocked by the cruelty of mortals and had to sit down in every single scene he’s been in. Except for the one where he was pretending to be a pedophile serial killer to trick the other pedophile serial killer into coming into his bedroom so he could kill him.

Not his bedroom in Hell, his bedroom in the Shadow Realm. The Shadow Realm’s someplace else.

Lucivar spent 2/3 of the book enslaved to a rapist, and his father Saetan SaDiablo (third-most powerful male wizard in the world) and his teenaged adopted sister Jaenelle Angelline (most powerful wizard in the world) know that, and stuff, but they kinda don’t do anything about it. I guess it’s not that important? So there are all these scenes where Lucivar’s being tortured, and then there’s a scene where Jaenelle shows up at Saetan SaDiablo’s grim palace with a unicorn or an adorable telepathic wolf cub and Saetan SaDiablo goes “OH MAN IT IS A UNICORN AND/OR TELEPATHIC WOLF CUB AND THAT IS NOT OKAY FOR MY IMAGE” and people smile and offer him a drink, and he’s sitting down in his dark throne again I mean I don’t know why he bothers to stand up. And then Lucivar escapes by himself and shows up, and they say, “Oh, hey! You made it!” And Lucivar hangs out with the unicorns and things are basically fine. He isn’t mad about how, you know, they didn’t rescue him! He knows they were real busy.

(I came up with a new way to describe Anne Bishop today: “Laurell K. Hamilton writes licensed Disney Princesses books.”)

It is because Anne Bishop is not good at remembering what the plot is. She also forgot how Lucivar has a brother named Daemon Sadi – alias, The Sadist, other alias, Hayll’s Whoreand Hayll is also a different place from Hell – who is a 1700-year-old Warlord Prince sex slave with the second-strongest magic powers in the world, and is impotent (and random people just up and start talking about his impotence because everyone knows – stuff gets around in 1700 years, it’s just a thing – even though people periodically forget that he generally kills the women he sleeps with), and who was the protagonist of the first book and spent half of it being sad that he was an impotent sex slave unworthy of the woman he loves (Jaenelle, his then-twelve-year-old adopted sister), and the other half being angry about the same issue, and killing people in many ways.

Anyway, she forgot Daemon was there. This book he went insane in a way that makes him weep all the time and occasionally refer to himself in the third person, mainly to keep him out of the way so we can get this big important The Unicorns And Telepathic Wolf Cubs Move In With Saetan And Wacky Antics Ensue thing established. There are also some scenes where Jaenelle goes clothes shopping and doesn’t get along with the other kids.

I totally forgot about how, in this book, there is an evil queen named Dorothea who wants Daemon to father her children. There’s also an evil priestess named Hekatah who used to be married to Saetan and wants to kill him. I think sometimes Bishop forgets which one of the two has which set of motivations.

I like how it’s possible to forget about things like that in this series.

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Unrelated note to the internet: Nobody buy a Samsung Magnet, please. Dad bought one and I just spent three hours trying to get the drivers installed so I could sync up his address book. At least for Vista, there are no working drivers for this phone.


May 01 2008

Anne Bishop does not CARE what you think

Tag: a: bishop anne — 11:44 pm

If Anne Bishop wants her book to be about magic cock rings and some hot dudes named Saetan, Lucivar, and Daemon, then by Jove, that’s what the book’ll be about. And if she maybe wants Saetan and Lucivar and Daemon to have pretty wings, and incest, and venom sacs, and zombie priests, and accidentally end up roommates with an assassin-wizard-prostitute named “Surreal”? Then that’s just how it’s going to be.

I knew about most of this stuff going in and everything, and I’ve read Kaori Yuki and Mercedes Lackey and that Tanith Lee retelling of Snow White where everyone-including-the-mirror gets raped, but, I mean -

At one point it’s Christmas Time In Hell.

Saetan gives presents to all the dead children in hell and weeps because the children are dead and in hell, and he gets a present for the first time in a couple thousand years and he opens it on Christmas Eve because he can’t wait because a little girl has taught him how to feel joy again and I swear to god the book is absolutely not joking. This is an actual thing that Anne Bishop thought of! And felt should be in her book! The magic cock ring book! Which also has at least three separate castration scenes, possibly more, and one of them is on the fifth page and in another one the hero demonstrates his gallantry and angst by rendering the guy unconscious and stalking off to cover objects in ice! The ice represents his soul.

I had read all these reviews talking about how insane the book is, but none of them even bother to mention the part where it’s Christmas Time In Hell. I think they just forgot about it! Because it doesn’t really stand out that much, I mean, next to the thing with the rats, and the other thing with the hospital and the leg, and the main POV character being a two-thousand-year-old prostitute warlord who’s in love with a seven-year-old and oh John Ringo no.

I have no idea why this book exists and I am going to buy the rest of the series.

(ETA: The title of this book is Daughter of the Blood. I forgot to say that.)