DAD: See, the thing about this place is, they always mess up my order here! They always mess it up! So I want you to order for me, in Spanish, and see if that -
PAM (WHO IS MEXICIAN-AMERICAN): Okay, what do you want?
DAD: Aqui, aqui – I want aqui – this burrito, aqui burrito – but I want it with meat and cheese only -
PAM’S SON: See, this is his problem, he goes, “I want a burrito with just meat and cheese” -
PAM: You can’t do that.
DAD: Why can’t I do that?! It’s what I want! I make your son here order for me, and he just doesn’t help. I don’t want all this – vegetables and stuff – no rice – nada rice – nada rice-o, nada guacamole-o, nada -
ME: Dad, I will absolutely kill you.
DAD: – nada beans-o – no, why not?
PAM’S SON: Because that’s not a burrito! That’s not what a burrito is!
ME: That’s like saying you want a BLT with nothing but bacon.
PAM, WITH AN EXPRESSION OF INCALCULABLE DISGUST: No, it’s like saying you want a BLT with nothing but lettuce.
DAD: I just want a burrito with just meat and cheese. Nothing else, nada. Oh, here he is – order-o por favor! Uno burrito nada! Uno beer-o? Tu tienes mucho dinero!*
ME, BECOMING MORE SOUTHERN UNDER STRESS: Dad! I swear to god!
WAITER: *looks patiently at Pam’s son, clearly completely used to this*
MOM: Aw, don’t chew on the shoelaces, Gandalf! *politely takes the shoe from the dog and places it slightly out of reach*
ME: You know, you should probably like whap him, so he understands it’s wrong.
MOM, WITH GREAT INDIGNATION: I’m not going to whap him!
* I have no idea in what context Dad acquired this phrase, but it’s his Official Spanish Sentence, which he brings out whenever the Spanish language is discussed.