Skip to content

The Merchant of Venice In Brief

The Merchant of Venice In Brief published on

 

ANTONIO: I know not why I am so sad. *is so sad*

SOME DUDE: Maybe you’re sad because you’re in love.

ANTONIO: No! Shut up!

BASSANIO, HIS BOYFRIEND: I’m going straight on you, and I want money.

ANTONIO: …okay. *is so sad*

SHYLOCK: Maybe you’re sad because you’re anti-semitic.

ANTONIO: Shut up, you fucking Jew!

*Cleverly, ANTONIO arms THE MACGUFFIN. SHYLOCK’S daughter JESSICA runs away with SOME GUY WHOSE NAME I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME REMEMBER. Then ANTONIO goes broke.*

SHYLOCK: It’s a good thing about that MacGuffin, because otherwise no one would care that I’ve gone crazy and Antonio’s gone broke! I mean, what with all this other important stuff that’s going on!

ANTONIO: What, I don’t even get any lines in this act? I’m the title character. *is so sad*

*THE DIRECTOR OF THE VERSION THAT’S GOT AL PACINO decides that now is a good time for some TOTALLY SYMBOLIC PROSTITUTES. Meanwhile, there is also a comedy section of the play.*

PORTIA: These fucking foreigners. Always wanting to fucking marry me, and sometimes being Muslim and stuff. Fuck them, man. Fuck them.

BASSANIO: I’m Italian! And I’m definitely heterosexual!

PORTIA: *marries him*

BASSANIO: Nooo! My boyfriend’s gonna die! Gotta go!

PORTIA: Goddamnit!

*There is a trial scene.*

PORTIA, IN DRAG: This is my Venice now!

THE FRIGGIN’ DOGE: That’s fine!

BASSANIO: I’d rather lose my wife than Antonio!

PORTIA: …Okay. Listen, you fucking Jew, you can kill my husband’s boyfriend this guy to whom I have absolutely no connection if you really want. But first let me use a lot of Christian imagery to explain why you shouldn’t. There, that do anything for you?

CHRISTIANS: That was totally convincing!

SHYLOCK: I pretty much still want to kill him.

CHRISTIANS: What a fucking Jew!

PORTIA: Are you suuure?

SHYLOCK: Yes!

PORTIA: Suuuuuuuuure?

SHYLOCK: Yes!

PORTIA: Okay, go!

SHYLOCK: Awesome!

PORTIA: Wait! Actually, I’m going to take all your money, humiliate you, and forcibly convert you.

SHYLOCK: Because this is ostensibly a comedy, I don’t get to just fucking die.

BASSANIO: Thank you so much for saving my boyfriend, Mister! I’d do anything to thank you!

PORTIA: Give me that ring your loving, beautiful, intelligent, punctual wife told you never to lose.

BASSANIO: …no?

ANTONIO: Give the boy the ring, honey.

BASSANIO: Okay.

PORTIA: …

*Everyone goes over to the geographically comedic part of the play.*

PORTIA: Fuck you! Fuck you, you fucking fucker!

BASSANIO: I –

ANTONIO: It was so my fault that I think I feel some dialog coming on –

PORTIA: Oh, this doesn’t concern you, Mister – oh, I’m sorry, what was your name again!

BASSANIO: I – I gave it to this one guy!

PORTIA: Villain, I have done that one guy!

BASSANIO: I –

PORTIA: You know what. Fuck it. Plot’s over, have a deux ex machina full of friggin’ boats, let’s just all go have sex somewhere. Except you!

ANTONIO: *is so sad*

*They all have sex except for Antonio and Shylock. Probably.*