ANTONIO: I know not why I am so sad. *is so sad*
SOME DUDE: Maybe you’re sad because you’re in love.
ANTONIO: No! Shut up!
BASSANIO, HIS BOYFRIEND: I’m going straight on you, and I want money.
ANTONIO: …okay. *is so sad*
SHYLOCK: Maybe you’re sad because you’re anti-semitic.
ANTONIO: Shut up, you fucking Jew!
*Cleverly, ANTONIO arms THE MACGUFFIN. SHYLOCK’S daughter JESSICA runs away with SOME GUY WHOSE NAME I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME REMEMBER. Then ANTONIO goes broke.*
SHYLOCK: It’s a good thing about that MacGuffin, because otherwise no one would care that I’ve gone crazy and Antonio’s gone broke! I mean, what with all this other important stuff that’s going on!
ANTONIO: What, I don’t even get any lines in this act? I’m the title character. *is so sad*
*THE DIRECTOR OF THE VERSION THAT’S GOT AL PACINO decides that now is a good time for some TOTALLY SYMBOLIC PROSTITUTES. Meanwhile, there is also a comedy section of the play.*
PORTIA: These fucking foreigners. Always wanting to fucking marry me, and sometimes being Muslim and stuff. Fuck them, man. Fuck them.
BASSANIO: I’m Italian! And I’m definitely heterosexual!
PORTIA: *marries him*
BASSANIO: Nooo! My boyfriend’s gonna die! Gotta go!
*There is a trial scene.*
PORTIA, IN DRAG: This is my Venice now!
THE FRIGGIN’ DOGE: That’s fine!
BASSANIO: I’d rather lose my wife than Antonio!
PORTIA: …Okay. Listen, you fucking Jew, you can kill
my husband’s boyfriend this guy to whom I have absolutely no connection if you really want. But first let me use a lot of Christian imagery to explain why you shouldn’t. There, that do anything for you?
CHRISTIANS: That was totally convincing!
SHYLOCK: I pretty much still want to kill him.
CHRISTIANS: What a fucking Jew!
PORTIA: Are you suuure?
PORTIA: Okay, go!
PORTIA: Wait! Actually, I’m going to take all your money, humiliate you, and forcibly convert you.
SHYLOCK: Because this is ostensibly a comedy, I don’t get to just fucking die.
BASSANIO: Thank you so much for saving my boyfriend, Mister! I’d do anything to thank you!
PORTIA: Give me that ring your loving, beautiful, intelligent, punctual wife told you never to lose.
ANTONIO: Give the boy the ring, honey.
*Everyone goes over to the geographically comedic part of the play.*
PORTIA: Fuck you! Fuck you, you fucking fucker!
BASSANIO: I –
ANTONIO: It was so my fault that I think I feel some dialog coming on –
PORTIA: Oh, this doesn’t concern you, Mister – oh, I’m sorry, what was your name again!
BASSANIO: I – I gave it to this one guy!
PORTIA: Villain, I have done that one guy!
BASSANIO: I –
PORTIA: You know what. Fuck it. Plot’s over, have a deux ex machina full of friggin’ boats, let’s just all go have sex somewhere. Except you!
ANTONIO: *is so sad*
*They all have sex except for Antonio and Shylock. Probably.*